Exclusive Private Island! Truly Get Away From It All

HEY stop doomscrolling and disconnect from the world on a very private tropical island 10km south of Bocas del Toro. Shut out the outside world, relax on the hammocks at the boat dock, swim in the bioluminescence, listen to the tropical birdsong. We're offering the deal of a lifetime: a private island all to yourself for an absolute bargain price. Can you dig it?

The space
Situated at the entrance to Dolphin Bay, Jinja Island is a private, off-grid chunk of land surrounded by protected mangroves and fringed by its own coral reef – patrolled by marauding gangs of vicious jellyfish, sea urchins and nurse sharks.

By night, the waters glow with magical bioluminescence that sparkles all around you, if you're brave enough to swim in the inky dark waters under a moonless sky with godknows what might be nipping at your extremities.

Though remote and eco-friendly, the island still offers a few creature comforts. Although it's typically more creatures than comforts. The island house comes with a hot shower, flush toilet, solar-powered and AC electricity. Relatively clean sheets and towels are provided, and the kitchen is equipped with a fridge-freezer, oven, gas stove, pots, pans and cutlery so you can self-cater, if you know how to cook. If not you may be forced to survive on cold beans and coconut milk.

The island is home to a vast array of colourful yet dangerous flora and fauna, from golden orb-weaver spiders, to giant hornets, angry scorpions and the occasional snake. Try your best not to get bitten or stung as I guarantee it'll hurt to billy-o. If you're one of those people that insects love to feast upon, either bring a bucketful of Deet or stay somewhere approximately 110% less tropical. For instance, Milton Keynes. Otherwise the "chitras" (sand flies) will drive you bonkers. It's a jungle, what were you expecting?

You’ll have the house entirely to yourself and total freedom to explore, although it can get a bit muddy when it rains, just like at Glastonbury. You won’t be all alone, for obvious reasons, the most pertinent being that you're probably a squishy city-type and when things go wrong, as they inevitably will, since it's a remote island in a developing nation in an area that is technically classed as a tropical rainforest, you won't have a clue what to do, and crying about it will only make it worse.

That being the case, the island’s caretaker, Ismael, will be staying nearby in a separate cabaña should you need help, local tips or a friendly chat. He likes to drink though, so bear that in mind.

There's no AC, so if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. In fact, stay out of the house entirely.

Guest access
Since you'll be staying at least three nights, Ismael will come and pick you up from Bocas Town and take you to Jinja Island free of charge. If you're nice to him, he might drop you off at the end of your stay as well. Let us know your travel plans in advance. You are best arriving and departing the island in the morning, before 10am as after then the water can get really choppy and you'll probably get wet and seasick, like a right scurvy landlubber.

Jinja Island is your chance to escape the rat race and have yourself a full digital detox, laying in hammocks under the equatorial sun and listening to the sounds of tropical birds in the lush green trees. But feel free to complain that there's not much to do, just in case you got it mixed up with Disneyland.

Other things to note
A stay on Jinja Island is a once-in-a-lifetime experience – in that you'll probably stay once and never go back.

Jinja Island offers an authentic tropical adventure in the heart of the Central American Caribbean. With that natural beauty comes a real island environment – expect frequent heavy rain showers, terrifying tropical thunderstorms and insects that want nothing more than to have you for dinner.

Most visitors find this all part of the experience and charm of staying somewhere truly wild and unspoilt, but older guests might find it too hot, too secluded, too noisy, too woke, and all in all, a lot of hard work. They should maybe save their grandkids from the trauma of having to listen to them moaning about their sunburn and their insect bites by staying somewhere else instead, like, I dunno, Montana.

As an off-grid eco-island, Jinja runs on collected rainwater and solar power, so sensible water and energy use is essential. If you're very (un)lucky, you might even get to experience first-hand the devastating effects of climate change if we get a particularly high tide, something becoming increasingly common over the last ten years.

Oh and if you smoke, do NOT stay on the island. I'm fed up of seeing dead leatherback turtles washing up in the mangroves from swallowing one of the 4.5 trillion goddamn dog-ends you people throw on the ground every year (cigarette butts account for over 30% of all coastal litter). Stay home and re-evaluate your life choices.