Welcome to the ultimate vacation weekend survival challenge! If you’ve ever wanted to play Escape Room: Unsanitary Edition, this is the place for you.Check-in set the tone: the lock code failed, requiring multiple desperate phone calls just to gain access to our home-away-from-home nightmare.Highlights of our stay:Gourmet Kitchen: The dishwasher boasted a vintage pool of rancid standing water, thoughtfully paired with baking soda and a pine tree air freshener. Cooking was an adventure—no frying pan, a burned-out stove light (cooked in complete darkness!), and a freezer that aggressively shed glaciers onto the floor when opened.Luxury Amenities: Towels pre-seasoned with toothpaste, a used bar of soap, trash behind the toilet, and zero dish soap or toilet paper (enjoy your late-night shopping trip!).Bespoke Bedding: The bed featured a curated collection of eight mystery hairs and a mattress pad displaying a clear, bodily-fluid-stained silhouette of human buttocks. The closet comforter added extra "personality" with biological stains.Outdoor Oasis: A pool stewing in weeks of filth and a rotting deck. Naturally, I spent 1:00 AM cleaning the pool myself.The host offered to send repair people over during our vacation—no thanks, I didn't book renovation crew. I slept wrapped in my dog’s blanket, did laundry, hand-washed dishes, and survived. Still no refund. Thank goodness for credit card charge backs. Do not stay here!